I miss blogger sometimes, but I'm sorry to say... You've been replaced. And though, I can always look back at the times of my lovely days with blogger, I can't be with you anymore. I think this may be forever. 

http://oh-serendipity.tumblr.com

I want to address two things:

1. I appreciate that you thought of me when you were throwing a party or some sort of social gathering, it's not that I don't like you... I'm just not really into parties. As pathetic as it sounds, I like staying in my room and doing work or watching Asian dramas.

You may think I'm being a party pooper or I'm not living my life, but that's your personal opinion, not mine.

2. If you hadn't noticed before, I do have body image issues. When you say things like, "Oh! I need to lose weight... I'm so fat." I just want to smack you in the face... do you know what you're saying??! Look at you! You look pretty thin to me! I'd love to be your size! I know most girls feel insecure in their own skin, so they make comments such as these... I'm definitely not one to talk, but it would be nice to see more girls who are confident in their body and maybe it would give me some confidence in my own body. 

I weigh myself every week. And, since I've gotten back to school, I have gained 2 pounds, which makes me a little frustrated. I need to cut back on food again. Y'know last year I made excuses to people saying that Oh, I forgot to eat because I've been too busy with school. That's not exactly true. I've just chosen to not eat. I know that if I don't deal with this soon, I'm going to have an eating disorder and I'll probably never be happy with myself. But... I feel like social pressures are getting to me. I really need to lose weight.... 

Fall Semester STARTS!

From my family, my background, my high school... they make it seem so easy to get into college. Yes, it is easy to get into college, but staying in college is not quite as simple.

I know quite a few people who will not be going to their college in the Fall.

That's just a big decision and move. I'm not sure how I'd be able to make that change. I know I'm pretty well grounded on finishing college, but that's only because I know what I want to do. And for many people, that's the tough part. But, sometimes... I feel like I'm the coward... the failure... because I can't get myself to do take that sort of initiative. To me, finishing college is my safety net. I'm too scared to try to go out and do something else right now.

I'm envious of the people who are able to give up their college education or make the lifestyle change and strive for something that might be even better, without killing themselves over regret and hardships...

I had a weird dream last night... back to this whole idea about commitment. Something I feel that I lack. I don't plan on going into detail, so yeah. Hmm, though there is this other thing I think I should go into detail about. The fact that I can never really write what I feel on a public blog. Sure, on my private blog... where no one can see it, I can. But this... not really. I'll leave it to this song...

I know, it's still summer and I'm taking summer school and all, but I want to be back in school! I've never really been fond of summer except when I get to be in China.

I was always one of those kids that hung out at the library every single day during the summer. All the librarians at the public library I go to know me by name. Yeah, it's because I would go there after school too. Hmm, I'd say that I've gone to the library since 7th grade to junior year. Senior year I didn't really go because I had a free period and I could drive. =/

Okay, this is a totally pointless post.

I've been really lazy writing in here since I got home. I think it's because of the fair, but the fair ends soon. July 6th! YAYYY!!

Okay, no time to make long blog entries, but check out my tumblr.

http://www.oh-serendipity.tumblr.com
^I update that because it's easier to make little comments. Make one if you haven't already, tumble logs are amazing! :D

我这个人很容易当真的。。。

我這個人很容易當真的。

It's true. I overanalyze as well, so please don't phunk with my heart!! 所以我未來的喜歡人，請你小心說話。我會當你說的話，想得很甜蜜。如果你的想法不跟我一樣，別對我怎麼好！可以嗎？好，謝謝！

我已經跟我自己說，“莫道蘭，別自作多情！” 我知道我不應該想來想去，可是我怎麼得做，還是這樣。對我來說，我也好容易的愛上一個人。Wow, my Chinese writing is so bad, but I'm sure my point got across to people who can actually read what I wrote. 

Anyhow.. MOVING ON! My first week back in San Diego has been really great! I had a chance to play my first game of Scrabble with Hui and her friends, Brian and Sitong (he stole my drink... Taro Milk Tea! So I ended up ordering Thai Tea because I didn't want to copy him... haha). I also slept late and woke up late and since my parents are in China, my mommy didn't come to my room and get mad at me! Yay? Awww... but I miss them a bunch! 

Oh! I also got to play Wii three times, on three different days... basically almost consecutively except not? Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday! :D Mario Party! Mario Cart! Brawl! Wii Bowling! Wooooo~~ I played with Bryan, Matias, Yan, Hui, and Kimmie! :D Awesome!

Then, Saturday night... that was an interesting night! Boomers was closed because of some high school's Grad Nite and I think it might have been CCA? Or maybe not. Jazzy probably knows since she goes there. But I swear I saw CC somewhere when we went over there... so we went bowling! Who went? Ummmmm... Kaitlin, Bryan, Matias, Jason, Andre, Brandon, Michael, Bo(b), Kenneth, Paul... I think that was it. Big group! :D I didn't do so well... but, I realized I'm a lefty for bowling, among other sports that I use my left-hand with. Haha. Maybe my brother was telling the truth when he said that I was actually left-handed when I was younger? Hmmm....

Sunday afternoon = Beach! Very cold! But, I finally got to see my WO MEN SHI WOMEN, Angeline and her boyfriend, Michael aka Buddha! :D Then, "kidnapped" Yan from her house and went to Matias' to play Wii again (of course!) Apparently, I'm not too shabby playing Wii Bowling as James Che! Go lefty's! ;D

Okay, I'm done. If Bryan uploads the photos that I took on his DSLR, then I'll post some of them up on my blog...

P.S. I'm not sure if I should write in simplified or traditional because I can type in both... and I'm now so used to writing in traditional because my Chinese class is taught that way, but I learned simplified when I was younger. So... I recognize both. But the question is, which do you prefer? I guess I'll write in traditional?

Missing home?

I miss home.

But the thing is, I technically AM home! It just feels way too different! My parents are in China for business trip and there's this huge dog cage in my hallway, blocking the doorway of my room! I'm puppy-sitting for my brother and his girlfriend. So, right now... this so-called "home" that I am currently residing for is no longer home. I think this sort of thought is mainly because my parents aren't home to welcome me back...

On top of that, my room is a huge mess! And, it's driving me nuts, but I'm feeling so lazy right now that I'm not doing anything about it, but I probably will start cleaning and organizing tomorrow (if I wake up early). I'm an organizing freak!

I signed up for a summer school class. I'm taking Drawing & Composition. So, just basic drawing. I need to improve on my drawing skills and it's one of the things I need to take for a pre-req for something I plan on doing. I don't want to go into detail, but don't worry! You'll find out soon enough... sorry to be all mysterious, I know some people hate that. Yeah, so according to the Assist website, I don't think I can transfer the credits, but then on the community college website it says that it's accepted by UC and CSU schools. Hmmm, well I'm going to take it anyways, but if I don't get credit, I don't think my parents will be too thrilled about that since classes start around the same time as the Fair and I have to help out my mommy, or more like, "I'm in charge this year" so I have to balance making enough money for 08-09 school year and learning how to draw. I hope my drawing skills improve this summer or how else will I achieve my goal of becoming a designer?!!

Okay, well here's a photo of the lovely monster, Audi.

23

23. 23? 23 what? 23 = the number of pounds I have lost this school year!

Yeah, pretty significant, right? I lost 23lbs in less than a year! Don't ask me how I did it, I really have no idea!! I just know I still have like 20lbs or so before I feel good about myself? That's really pathetic, isn't it? That I feel like I need to be at a certain weight before I can feel comfortable in my skin. I know there are people who would probably love to be my "size," but unfortunately I'm not one of them. I suppose I conformed into society's ideals of a woman.

But let me ask you... do you know how painful it is to hear salesperson after salesperson tell you that there are no clothes that will fit you... Try somewhere else! (In China) It's really unbearable, but hey! I live... I didn't let it get to my head... my mother was concerned for me at first, but I reassured her that I was doing okay, "Don't worry, Mommy! Next time I go to China, everyone will be fatter! Thanks to McDonald's and KFC! Then I'll fit into the clothes there!"

Well, I'm not up to Chinese sizing standards, but I'm working on it. The main thing isn't losing the weight, it's feeling good in my own skin! That's the big problem... I don't like my appearance. I think I'm usually optimistic about most things, but when it comes to my appearance, I'm a total party-pooper! My friends are always complimenting me about my body... "Oh, I wish I had bigger boobs like you!" or "Man, you have a nice waist..." Haha, thanks for the compliments, guys! But... I still can't see the positives about my body. =[

You know, I wasn't always like this. I was super skinny when I was younger... then I got fat in 5th grade and onwards. =/ I know I can't be like size 0 or anything like that, and it sounds bad to say this, but I want to try to get as close as I can!

Now you wonder why my mother always asks me at least three times a week, "Are you eating right? Are you exercising? Have you lost more weight?" It's probably because every time she sees me (during breaks), I look a little more thinner. It's not her fault; I don't blame her for wanting me to lose weight because she just wants me to be fit and stuff like that. I mean, I exercise, but I feel like my eating habits are way out of whack. Maybe it's the stress from college, but... some days, I forget to eat... I think I have an eating disorder...

A Song For You

I can't really say what I want to say right now, but I guess I'll relate it to a movie or TV scene I recall...

So, there's this rebellious teenager who didn't listen to her mother's words and then, finally... something terribly bad happens to her and she tell her mom, angrily in tears, "See! Are you happy now? I've learned blah blah blah..." The mother of the teenager says, "That's not what I wanted you to learn... I'm sorry." Yeah, that's basically how I feel. Of course, it really doesn't have anything to do with my parents and I'm not crying at all, just a little sad.

I watched Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian yesterday and I fell in love with the ending song, "The Call" by Regina Spektor.

Since I'm so speechless, I'll just leave you with this song... The lyrics are beautiful! =]

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

Bad bad bad...

I'm being such a bad student right now...

There's only 2 weeks left of school (including finals week) and I've been ditching a few classes. I don't know what's wrong with me... is it because I'm dog sitting and it's taking up all my energy that I just don't give a fudge!! Well, I only have to dog sit until Monday night and I'm done! :D 

It's not that I don't like dog sitting but I definitely hate commuting. Gee, now I know why my parents didn't want me to live so far from school. 

 -___-;; Well, now I know! 

This week I'm going to get a lot done and I'm not just going to say I'm going to get a lot done... I'M GOING TO DO IT! So, if you plan on asking me to hang out with you somewhere this weekend (as much as I'd probably love to)... I'm going to have to say NO in advance... unless of

 course, you want to go take photographs then I'd reconsider because I'll probably be going out either Saturday or Sunday to go finish a few rolls of film. =]

See you guys on Monday! ...hopefully with good news!

P.S. My older brother got a puppy with his gf! His name is Audi (yes, like the car) and his nickname is di di (little brother = chinese).  This is him!

Day 1: Poor doggies!

It's only been one night of dog sitting and I already feel like I would be a bad parent because I pretty much feel like I neglected them while I was practicing my speech last night! T___T 

Poor doggies.

On top of that, they have to listen to my horrible singing and yeah, it really sucks! Gosh, I hope I do okay when I perform my song and speech this afternoon! >__<"

9-TEEN!

Photo: My friend's 18th birthday last year...

If I could make out with Mike He, then I don't think I'd be singing Landy Wen's "Wish Me Happy Birthday" song. Go watch the MV if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Anyhow, I'm 19!! :DD

Well, to be technical and all, I'm 19 at 2:30pm... but hell! No one really goes by their actual birth time anymore! Today, I received something in the mail from my parents. I've been waiting to open it up at Midnight, and so the clock finally struck 12! It's one of those singing cards! Outside, it says "Smiles you give, Joy you live, Love you bring..." Inside, "Beautiful thing. Happy birthday to a daughter who's so easy to love. Mom & Dad." And then, it started singing "My Girl" by The Temptations! Oh man, I just bawled!!

I LOVE YOU, MOMMY & DADDY!

I need more photos with my parents! In the future, I plan on taking as many photographs as I can with my parents or just of them! I mean, why haven't I? They're just such a big part of my life! And photographs keep memories intact! :D

On a side note, do you know what I spent my last hour of being 18 doing? Something very um, unusual. I did my House chore for the week... cleaning the bathroom! -_____-;; Yeah, so my house mates started making this chores list thing where each person has a certain job, and my chore for the week is to clean the bathroom. So, earlier I had taken a shower and I was thinking... might as well just clean the bathroom so I don't have to do it later! It's freak'n filthy! And so, I cleaned. How sad~

Well, anyway! After classes, I have to deposit the rent money from my house mates so I can write a check for May's rent! My last time having to do that for this school year! After May, I'm out of here!! Woot! Freeeeeeee!! Haha, then my roommate and I are going to Ben & Jerry's and enjoying their free cone day thing! FYI, Ben & Jerry's 30th birthday! I didn't know they opened on my birthday! Yay! You know what that means, FREE ICE CREAM ON MY BIRTHDAY, EVERY SINGLE YEAR! WHAT A LUXURY! Okay, so after that, I have to go home, call my mom up so she can tell me what I need to change on my speech for Saturday's big competition. Then, at 6:45pm... my friends have organized a little get together for my birthday! I'm really excited! They are so sweet! I really had no idea they would actually plan something to help celebrate my birthday! It really makes my day and it doesn't make me feel so sad about not being able to spend my birthday with my family!

Um, and in the near future...
Thursday: Indian food with John & Reto (late birthday celebration)
Friday: Move to John's place to dog sit until May 12th.
Saturday: Mandarin speech competition #2 (where I have to sing "Wei Yi"...*pray for me*)
May 14th-??: Finals!

JIA YOU!

3rd place! :DD
Not too shabby, I suppose. Hehe!
Oh yeah! And other things that I've achieved today!
-Wearing heels!
-Putting makeup on myself! It looks natural, doesn't it?

Anyhow, not really anything else to do, but finish up my homework and finish writing my other speech so that I can get my professor to edit it and then memorize! Oh yeah and practice singing, but unfortunately, I'm pretty much banned from singing in my house. -____- My roommates don't particularly like my singing... ><" I probably go way off key or something. =/ I'll go to the laundry room and practice! No one really goes there anyway and I won't really be disturbing anyone (I hope!) Oh, and I chose my song! I'm gonna sing "Wei Yi" by Leehom Wang!My Chinese professor who thinks Leehom Wang is hot! :D I love my Chinese professor, Cheng Chih-Yih, she's just so incredibly funny, interesting, and very proud of being Chinese! Yes, very proud! Like, she has the greatest & funniest stories about why China is so AWESOME! And it is! Lol... after she says her stuff.Micky: "Won't I look like a pig?"
Amy: "Fine!" *stuffs bagel into mouth*
Micky: I guess I feel better now. :D

Welcome Ceremony for the 33rd Annual Chinese Speech Contest of California! We're all in the same Chinese class, CHIN 250 aka Intermediate Chinese (From left to right: Me, Micky, Ruby, Jasmine)Rm. 270, where we were judged... *dun dun dun* The guy behind us is the one who got 1st place with his darn cat story! Arggg... but haha, a lot of people had some really amazing speeches! We were in the uh, group where everyone spoke English at home? Which basically means a lot of non-Chinese people. Micky, this one guy, and me were the only Chinese! I'm kinda ashamed of myself... -__- Why did I drop out of Chinese school when I was younger? I could've been fluent by now! Aw well, no regrets! What's important is that I'm ready to learn Chinese now! OH! So, I guess it's kinda a stretch, but the judges' last names were Bai and Wang and when they introduced themselves, I was thinking to myself... "Where's Ma lao shi?" Because 白马王子 (Bai Ma Wang zi) = White Horse Prince! Hahah, do you get it? Okay... I have a weird imagination. -___-;;My trophy! From far away, Micky and I were guessing what it was... Micky thought it was a figure of a person flexing their muscles and I thought it was a Mouse because y'know... it's the Year of the Rat. But nooooo... it's a freak'n lamp. Aladdin style! xD

Where's my vinegar??

I think I blog too much. But that's a good thing, isn't it? Because I'm getting out my feelings and what not.

College is really killing my health. I'm always sick now. I don't remember getting sick so many times before. Oh! I know! I need to drink vinegar! Ewww, but the vinegar I bought this year is nasty. It's definitely not the type my mom always buys me... so I've been trying to avoid it. I guess I'll have to suck it up and just chug it. Hahah! Hey, I believe in Chinese remedies... if you drink vinegar, you are less likely to get sick. That was so true for me before. I think that's probably the reason! :D

So yeahh, please ignore my last post. I was just PARANOID. But, I'm over it because my parents agreed to let me try out the 2nd speech competition and I'm really excited that they are letting me do it. I just need to start writing that speech up sometime before Friday...><" Not to mention, my first Mandarin speech competition is this Saturday! Micky is picking me up! Yay! :D And I really should be working on that speech right now since my Chinese professor said that I need to practice it in front of the class tomorrow. Ahhh, so nervous! Oh right! Did I tell you I'm practicing singing. I have to pick a song for one of the parts for that 2nd speech competition. I've narrowed down the songs... sorta? 

-Wei Yi by Leehom Wang
-Lao Shu Ai Da Mi by n/a
-Hao Ting by Valen Hsu

My friend, Yan, says that I should sing Wei Yi or Hao Ting, but of course she prefers Wei Yi because she LOVES Leehom like any Chinese girl would. Haha... but she says I can't hit the low notes very well and I struggle a little with the high notes when he sings... "taoo bi... tao bi..." It's right before he sings "Baby ni jiu shi wo de wei yi...." Yeahhh BUMMER! But with practice, maybe I'll be able to pretend to hit the notes in front of the judges... AHH! I HOPE SO!

I actually don't really know why I am even considering doing these Mandarin speech competitions. I'm terribly afraid of public speaking! Like usually, when I'm in class and people are voicing out their opinions, I rarely raise my hand because I can't get myself to speak out my opinion in front of my classmates. Is that just me or what? 

But then, I guess in Chinese class that rarely happens. I feel comfortable talking in that class. I guess, now that I've thought about it... these speech competitions don't have much value, but it's making me feel like I'm one step closer to reaching my goal of becoming fluent in Mandarin. I mean, I know in the past... I had a hard time accepting my Chinese background, but now that I'm older... I feel like I should've paid more attention to Chinese school when I was younger.  Though, there's no point of regretting because maybe it was that time lapse that I needed, in order for me to truly appreciate my heritage. 

The speech contests are just for fun, I'm really not trying to get anything out of it but practicing Mandarin. Though, the 2nd contest is definitely something I want to try to win because I'd love to get a scholarship to study abroad in China and maybe meet my Hunan channel stars. If you didn't know this already, I'm am overly obsessed with that channel. That... is... the... ONLY Chinese channel I watch. Just ask my parents! The speech competitions are more of my way to grasp opportunities that I have... I mean, in the past I have regretted not doing certain things that I could've, well HERE'S MY CHANCE! AND I'M TAKING IT! I CAN DO IT! :D

Screw you, Future!

Why am I so future-oriented? It's affecting my present life! And this is totally a bummer because when I focus on the future, I forget about what's going on RIGHT NOW! Maybe all these things are making me feel like I have a big load on my shoulders, but I'm probably just exaggerating on all this crap.

Oh yeah, and why the freak is History of Design not on the Fall 08 Schedule!! I swear it was on there before! I need that bloody class! Plus, on top of that... if I even win that 2nd speech competition on May 3rd or if I don't, I'll be going to summer school. So, either way... I'm not going to be able to FULLY help my mom at the fair. Yes, I do really really dislike working at the fair. I really do, but I can't bare the thought of not being able to work for my college money and making my parents do it for me just because I'm feeling selfish by thinking of the damn future!

You suck, Future. Why do you always overwhelm me with shit I shouldn't be worrying about right now? Future, you better be worth it! Or hell with it! ...things will work out, won't they? Someone, please tell me it will be alright...

Le Risque

We didn't go to Oakland for our "photoshoot." In fact, I didn't take any photos... instead, we went to the Mission district and after several thrift and 99cent stores, I found my shirt. Boy Scouts of America official shirt! Wooo!! :D It's a little snug, but I don't plan on buttoning it. I'll just wear a tank top underneath or something. What I really like about it is the decoration on it... all those patches! Eheheh...

Anyhow, not really sure when I'll ever get my chance to go to Oakland, but I guess I can always go visit Kathy if I ever decide to go by myself...

So, I really like the Post Secret France blog and it was just updated. This is my favorite for this week: "I would love to be able to take the risk to be (un)happy."I really don't have much to say right now... I just hope that my parents will let me try to do this other speech competition I want to do, which just happens to be the week after my first one. Of course, this one is an even bigger competition and one of the sponsors for it is the HUNAN channel which is my FAVORITE CHINESE CHANNEL!!! I really want to do it because if I'm one of the top 3 winners, then I will be able to go to the semi-finals and finals and it will be in CHINA! And, better yet... in Hunan province... and since the Hunan channel is sponsoring... MAYBE I WILL GET TO SEE THEM!! :DD Them... as in these guys that I really really like from this show! Su Xing & Wei Chen... Haha... ><" But of course, the timing is just bad if I do win because, it's during the SD Fair and well, I have to help my mom out at her booth. Ugh! But, gosh... if I win, I can get scholarship money for studying in China and I really want it! *Sigh* Please Buddha, convince my parents to let me do it! The application is due this Friday, April 25th!! *crosses fingers*

"Every human being is the author of his own health or disease." -Buddha

My Chinese professor edited my speech for this Mandarin Speech Competition I have on April 27th. And guess how she made her corrections... on a cassette tape! Ai ya! So, today I got out of Speech class early and went over to the Language Lab to listen to the cassette tape since I don't own a cassette player... anymore. So old school~~ But yeahh... SO MANY CORRECTIONS! I need to practice it like crazy before then! Also, I have to practice my Persuasive speech for Tuesday.

And how can it get worse... my voice died today! That's how! >___<" But I think I know why this is all of a sudden happening to me. Bad karma points, I don't want to go into details about what I did. Let's just say, I lied to someone so that I wouldn't have to do something because I wanted to sleep in. And, of course... here I am, with no voice. I know, bad bad BADDDDDD AMY! I deserve it. Well, at least I got to go see The Forbidden Kingdom (Wednesday night @ Cal) before it comes out tomorrow! =] Yay!? I thought it was really funny, but I think the crowd kinda ruined the movie for me... people kept talking when I wanted to hear what the actors and actresses were saying on screen! Ahhh, but hey... what an interactive crowd Cal is. =]

Note to Self: Do not go on BART late at night, like MIDNIGHT! Yeah, so... when I was waiting for BART, these 3 guys dressed in clown costumes came over. Clowns are scary as hell! I heard them saying that they were going to the same destination as I am... I think they were kinda drunk, so I guess they didn't make the transfer train. Thank you, Buddha!! =]

Well, there's so much work to be done! I mustn't get distracted! And besides, I made plans to go to Oakland for a photoshoot with Jellee and Crystal on Saturday! Stay on track!
---
Wisdom of the Day:
"Is there anything I can do to make myself enlightened?" "As little as you can do to make the sun rise in the morning." "Then of what use are the spiritual exercises you prescribe?" "To make sure you are not asleep when the sun begins to rise."
--Anthony deMello, from One Minute Wisdom
Amy says: I really need to start waking up earlier...

Poem by an ABC

对不起...
Please don't misunderstand.

I think 我喜欢你
But, please give me some time.
我需要时间 to sort out my feelings
For him.
So then, I can know that
我是真心地爱上你.
I don't want you to be his 替代人.
Because that just means,
In my heart,
我没有真正的在乎你.
And I don't want it to be like that.

Je rêve d'être moi mais je ne sais pas qui-est-ce...

Translation: I dream of being myself but I don't know who that is...

Moi Aussi.